You love the roses–so do I. I wish
The sky would rain down roses, as they rain
From off the shaken bush. Why will it not?
Then all the valley would be pink and white
And soft to tread on. They would fall as light
As feathers, smelling sweet; and it would be
Like sleeping and like waking, all at once!


George Eliot





My Friend Sarim

Endless wait,from dawn till dusk
life itself in balance,equilibrium disturbed
scared with diseases land itself is sick
any hope that was left went away like wick

and when i start to reflect
would it not have been better if i had not set on this journey
red sky that i see
shows that in ashes i breathe

the gloom that has enveloped me
by my own hand i planted its seeds
the lies of my existence i try to spread
should show you that like marionette i live by the threads

The Sick Rose

O Rose, thou art sick!
The invisible worm,
That flies in the night,
In the howling storm,
Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy;
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy.

I should do it at a place where everyone can see me and is aware of my act. A busy road is the best place I have thought of so far. But the question of procedural details is a still little foggy.  I will use my father’s car. Its faster and better and newer too. But what about the gun? I know my father has a revolver but I don’t like it. It will not damage to a great extent. I will think about that later. I will do it next week. What’s the busiest road? I.I.Chundrigarh? No, no! There must be many people and the place must not be congested. And there must be a fly-over. I want to do maximum damage. Ideally, I would want to blast that whole structure down. But I cannot get hold of explosives or anything. If I had more resources I would have done many other things.I must do it when migraine is most severe. I will write the whole plan down tonight. There is only bee buzzing in my head now. How will everyone take it? They will think I am insane. But I am not, I am in my senses. I must write a note about why I did what I am about to do. I will clearly explain that nothing caused me to do anything. Only I did it. Just for my sake. Migraine is not the cause. By the way how will I ensure that migraine is very intense at the moment. Hmm. Yes! That’s it. Very loud music.

So I made the plan.

It will be a Tuesday, not because I was born on Tuesday but just because it cannot be any other day. Monday is my mother’s birthday and we are all going to eat out. I will do it in the evening just before sunset. It would be the Shahrahe Faisal. I will leave home at 5 0’clock. Go straight to Abdullah Salman and return him his book. Then I will take the shortest route which joins The Road. Abdullah lives in Bahadurabad, so I can easily reach The Road in less than 10 minutes if the traffic is  light. 15 minutes tops. I will tell Abdullah Salman to give my apologies to Mustafa Khalid for not attending his wedding. He will smile his usual happy smile and will tell me to piss off and not to worry. That will be the  last communication. I will swiftly run to get in the car parked in the next street. I will adjust myself and look in my eyes in rear view mirror and find that missing self-pity. It won’t be there. I will check everything, the gun (it will be my father’s revolver), the music disc ( it will be Junoon’s  Maza Zindagi Ka), the wallet, which will have my father’s contact number only. I will take a sip of water from the disposable water bottle. I will then break rear view mirror with a hammer and throw it out of the car. I must not look at myself after that.  I will switch the ignition on and press the gas three times, the last time for a little longer. I will drive a kilometre and then throw my mobile phone away at the nearest beggar, if any, if not, I will throw it at a tree.  The weather will be cloudy next week I am quite sure. There is a possibility of rain and I wish it rains on Tuesday.

Once I reach The Road, I will drive slowly on left. After the Nursery bus-stop I will speed up and the sound of the engine will fill my ears and the song on CD will fill my heart and and the rain will wet my soul and I will be ecstatic. I will remember for 5 seconds the day I was at the Grand Prix. Then I will shift the gear and the roaring engine will refresh my mechanical being. I will be driving recklessly now just to get way and reach the destination of my revenge against myself and all other innocent people whose crime will be to share my innocence and whose luck it will be to be there at the moment of my last race against time and every other lamentable thing which since the day of my birth, the day I had lost my mind, has played with my life in most detestable ways. I will assure myself in those seconds, of my sanity and righteousness by not thinking about my father and my mother and my God. I will continue to be heedless even in those labyrinthic moments of existence. When in full motion and highest speed, I will take the gun in my left and put it on my temple and migraine will be like roaring fire. and just before pushing the trigger, i will wish for a mirror too look at my eyes but I wont find it and I will move my finger in that state of frustration. The car will move like a violent spirit. Like mine.

Eight Months Eight Books

1. The Alchemy of Desire by Tarun J. Tejpal

Earlier this year I joined an online library called The Readers Club and started reading ceaselessly. I had given four papers in September last year of which I flunked in one. I had to give it again in March this year. Its history now but I had ample of time to read things beyond usual accounting stuff and contrasting that boring subject was this novel I borrowed. With very impressive starting lines and equally magnificent ending lines , the novel tells a compelling tale which shifts from despair to hope to despair again but with love entangled in between the mysterious web all along. A husband and wife and the love between them and  very graphic location , the novel is set in, are features which combine to make this novel an interesting read. There came a part in book which altered the course of story. A separate story of a princess and his lover. The main focus of the story is carnal desires of a human being and actions fulfilling those desires are described in great detail. I was disappointed by the extent to which the writer went to achieve his purpose of explaining sex. It could have been a very very good read. I enjoyed it initially, but in the middle of the book, I lost my interest in the story. The best thing about this story is the shift of the main character from the believe in the physical love to his more stronger believe in pure abstract love not involving the human body.

2. Keep the Aspidistra Flying by George Orwell

George Orwell is well known for his dystopia ‘1984’. This less known novel is at its heart a disturbing sketch of a very stubborn man, Gordon Comstock, in love with a very lovely, wise and contrary to Gordon, very reasonable woman,whom he annoys a lot. Set in London in 1930s, Keep the Aspidistra Flying is not a very lengthy novel but still it hurts you and you want to kill Gordon not because he is evil or something, but because he is way to stubborn, persistently stubborn, and you feel pity for his sweet girlfriend all the way to the end. The end is very good though. Gordon hates money. He hates status. He is not worried about his status. He sells books to eat food. He borrows money from his sister.  I loved how his character remained undeveloped throughout the novel. No change in his thoughts or actions. You will love him in the end. You will love his girlfriend throughout the story. You will like his rich friend throughout the story as well. While reading the novel, i considered him justified in his actions and thoughts, but again my opinion shifted and I loathed him more. Consistent denial of money and the power it brings and the consequent wretched conditions is what this novel is all about. You expect an end which might justify Gordon’s denial but what prevails is the truth, the mighty truth. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Very good read.

3.Moon and Sixpence by William Somerset Maugham

Brilliance and excellence envelope the character which Maugham has created in this book. Based on life of a painter Paul Gauguin, Maugham has written this novel very accurately. The insights into a man’s soul who according to the society has gone mad and you actually start believing it are very openly explained and touch the reader. The purposes of the protagonist remain unexplained even at the end. This is one book I have decided to read again. One of the best books ever read.

4.Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

‘There are as many loves as there are hearts’ says Anna Karenina, a married woman with a son and a husband. Madly in love with Vronsky and determined to destroy herself, Anna, takes steps which a very brave woman wont think of. You wont believe her, you will scream and beg of her not to do it but she does it. She follows love and nothing else. Ultimately she gets what she deserves. Considered by many as the greatest novel ever written, Anna Karenina is truly a masterpiece. Characters seem not a bit fictional. Society seems not a bit unreal. A very beautifully written novel which has won many hearts. It tells two stories. Of Anna and of Levin. Levin is a young landlord  with confused ideas which he finally solves at the end. Jealousy, Love, Hate, Pity, Inspiration, Faith, the novel is made of all this and is very engaging.

5. The Razor’s Edge by William Somerset Maugham

Another very good novel by Maugham. It starts off as a promising journey of a young man in pursuit of a meaningful purpose. He leaves his love for it. Goes on travels the world and tries to find knows he not what. I lost interest in the books as it moves on because it turns vague as it develops. Maugham’s other books are much better than this one.

6. Moby Dick by Herman Melville

I read a comment at some website which said ‘Life is too short, don’t read Moby Dick’

I read Moby Dick. Though life is still short but I enjoyed a piece of literature, incomparable and fascinating. I know more of whales now than of humans. (I don’t but it was a good line)

You are a part of crew of a ship destined to doom and you are called Ishmael. You go on and join a whaler with your new friend who sells human heads and is a cannibal. You are aboard ‘The Pequod’, the whaler. You meet a captain, a mysterious captain with a wooden leg, he tells everyone that he has only one purpose of the trip, to kill a whale, a white whale, The Moby Dick.

Then you are taken on an unforgettable trip of your life, a journey of three years, to kill a monster which awaits you.

The best adventure I have ever read. I took me three or four months, I guess.

7. The Painted Veil by William Somerset Maugham

Another tale of an adulterous woman but here she is not destroyed, she is too proud to destroy herself. She destroys other. Set in China during the British Government, this novel is very exotic. You can imagine the wonderful locations in between were going on some dishonest acts. Not a lengthy novel but very entertaining. Twists in the plot were amusing. A tragic end. A real picture of human emotions and desires. Very entertaining. Another Maugham classic.

8. Lady Chatterley’s Lover by David Herbert Lawrence

Erotic adventures of a dissatisfied wife. Class differences. Indifference of her lover. Boredom of her husband. This is very controversial novel for its frequent use of banned words in literature. The story is of an adulterous affair between Lady Chatterley and the gamekeeper Oliver Mellors. Lady is sexually frustrated as his husband is injured in war. She realizes that living with mind is not alone. She must be active, physically. The class difference between the two of them creates major developments in the plot.I am quite indifferent to this novel, though I enjoyed the erotic parts.