Monologue

I surrender to you. This is a strange surrender though; as stark enemies surrender to each other. I’ve surrendered as you and I have been fighting. You in your greatness already know the condition of my heart. (Is there anything you don’t know? People take your foreknowledge for predestination!). I believe it strongly that you are my creator, for what did you create me for? I get the answer from your word: ‘to worship’. You give me food and shelter, you give me clothes to wear, you give me sense to see and reason, but lately unfortunately I’ve replaced you my Khuda with my Khud. Khuda and Khud. Khud and Khuda, as any line thinner than one between these two? Isn’t it the subtle form of act most loathes by you? The blood which runs the course of my body which has left you. It is like the river has flooded into a population. You in your power already know: my most keen observation comes from the act of repentance. I do something wrong, I regret it afterwards but I consider myself unworthy of your forgiveness because I think the wrong as very evil in my eyes. Its not your forgiveness that matters to me, I regretfully say, but my own. Khud’s. It is I who I want satisfy by sinning and afterwards by repenting. Even the repentance is for myself, nothing done by my hands is for you. I prostrate before a mirror. The mirror is the new Laat, the self is the new Uzza. But a thought comes to me. Not an original one though. I read it in a novel:

“…..that religion bred selfishness; because religion overemphasized the importance of individual spirit; religion preached nothing but a single concern: salvation of one’s own soul..”

You in your greatness know better but I seem to overemphasize my own soul too much.

The problem is absence of fear. I do not fear you. In the corner of my eye is always a hope. Haven’t you willed ‘the Law of Mercy unto yourself ‘, to quote your words? I go on therefore in my arrogance. Why I don’t I fear you, you who are all powerful and you who has a swa over everything breathing or not. I wish I could ask you to show me your fear but at this instant while writing this sentence I fear, lest you vanish me from the plane of existence. ‘Kun’ and I would be thin air.

You say in your book, exactly in 16:2 : “Warn them that there is not deity except me; do fear me”

By not fearing you, I am not paying heed to the warning, why don’t I fear you? And you will ask those who feared you in 16:30 : “ And it will be said to those who fear Allah, ‘What did your Lord send down?’ They will say ‘That which is good’. Ask me please. What will I say? Why don’t I fear you?

And you say again in 16:51: “And Allah has said.’ Do not take for yourself two deities. He is but one God, so fear only Me’” I do not fear you and again you ask : “Then is it other than Allah that you fear?”

No I don’t. If I fear anything I am not consciously aware of it. I fear eternal doom, I fear disgrace in men’s eyes, I fear lest the mirror breaks. I fear I know not what else but Do I fear you? You are so truthful when you say: “Indeed Allah is with those who fear Him and those who are doers of good”

Why don’t I fear you?

Ghazali says when a person fears something, he runs away from it, but when a person fears God he runs towards Him. The crux of my monologue comes to what you have said in 35:28:

“Only those fear Allah among His servants, who have knowledge”

Since I do not fear you, it follows that I lack knowledge or that I am not your servant or both. To prove that I am your servant, I must prove that I serve you. To serve is to obey. I do not obey you therefore I do not serve you and I am not your servant and I do not serve you because I don’t fear you. Now this has turned into a circle. Bottomline is I do not fear you because I have no knowledge. What is this knowledge you speak of? Ghazali says:

“the person who is deficient in fear is he who tends towards effeminate softness which alights on his mind whenever he hears a verse from Quran, and produces weeping, and the tears overflow and similarly when he sees a cause of terror. And when that cause is absent from his attention, his heart returns to negligence. So this is a fear which is deficient, of little profit and feeble in utility; just like the slight stick with which powerful riding beast is beaten, which gives it no serious pain and does not urge it on to the destination, as is it salutary for correction”

Ghazali tells me that you have united in those who fear

  1. Guidance and Mercy

  2. Knowledge

  3. Satisfaction

and he quotes three symbols of your revelation:

  1. 7:154 for Guidance & Mercy

  2. 35:28 for Knowledge

  3. 98:8 for Satisfaction

and yet I am not fearful of you. Why don’t the hair on my back stand up when I hear your name? Why doesn’t my blood freeze in your awe? Why doesn’t my heart tremble with your fear, what do I do?

Days are going by. Years are crawling. Decades have gone. The heart keeps shivering. When will it beat?

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2 thoughts on “Monologue

  1. Stop trying to fear Him. Begin to leive Him. Love and fear have a strange relationship. Fear follows love. In a good way, a necessary way. So ask yourself, do you love Him?…

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